Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
