when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
