I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
