Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
