if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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