it was like eating out sand paper
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want a musical about memes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
