I feel great
I just peed on a car
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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