Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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