i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
