I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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