Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
