You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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