We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize