So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
