I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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