my phone needs a breathalizer
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
