You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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