Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
