a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
