It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Soap is not a condiment
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
