My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's official drugs can't kill me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
