He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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