Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish I only lived at night.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
