The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
