Sponge bath it is.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
