shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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