If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
