i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
