i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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