Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I forgot how hot balto sounded
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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