Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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