you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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