she looked like the before picture.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
