I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
