what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
