Your dad touched me again.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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