He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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