You're my little dorito
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
