well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
