On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
