I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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