he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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