Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
