I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
