Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
