you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
