dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
