Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
