Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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