It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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