Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
